Our Experts

Cats are the true experts of horror, for who else could remain calm in the face of the eldritch and unnatural?

– The Writer

Geralt

Some say I love my mother too much, but I say I have the right amount of love. A true cornucopia of affection. My emotional state is that of Norman Bates, filled with nothing but a healthy respect and admiration for my favorite human, The Writer.

My qualifications as a reviewer are beyond compare. I have studied people extensively for the past eight years and possess an intricate knowledge of their behaviors and mannerisms. The unique psychology possessed by you bipedal beasts is a keen interest of mine. As such, my favorite stories are those concerned with people and the human mind.

Also, I’m not as dumb as some of the humans say. Yes, I have a bad habit of eating fake flowers, vomiting, and then crying until I am consoled. But doesn’t everyone have their thing?

Some say my favor can be bought with snuggles. It is true I insist on being cuddled during my entire review, but pats and head boops will not sway my opinion.

Zelda

I like to adventure and do things and go outside and chase the ball and scratch the furniture and annoy big brother Geralt and meow and meow and meow until someone notices me and –

Sorry, let me try again. The humans are giving me weird looks.

My favorite stories are adventures where there is plenty of action and exhilaration. I’m not a fan of the slow build and want to get to the fun as soon as possible. I’m also easily startled and get freaked out by sudden surprises. It adds to the excitement!

My favorite human is the Cat Daddy. He raised me and loved me long before The Writer showed up, so I tell him my reviews and he passes them on. If it sounds like I just keep rambling and rambling and rambling, I swear it’s not my fault!

Blame the game of telephone between the humans.

Now, do you have my ball? Wanna play? WANNA PLAY?!

Flint

I have seen things.

Horrible things.

The twisting, eldritch, squamous things which live beyond the stars and play with our galaxy like a pigeon plays with a chess set: Poorly.

Some days my nip is the only thing keeping me from going insane.

My favorite human, the Good Doctor, says I’m a brat, but she’s a liar. I’m just accustomed to being the only cat and everyone else needs to get out of my way. Yes, my nose belongs in the human’s glass of soda. Yes, my butt belongs in the human’s face. Yes, all of the knitting is mine.

I like to review stories of the ancient creatures of the universe while my human serves me kibble, freshens my water, and calls me a good boy. It helps me avoid thinking about the unfathomable end of our world and the futility of existence.