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Unperturbed and Unflappable

Cats are the true experts of horror, for who else could remain calm in the face of the eldritch and unnatural?

– The Writer

Geralt

Some say I love my mother too much, but I say I have the right amount of love. A true cornucopia of affection. My emotional state is that of Norman Bates, filled with nothing but a healthy respect and admiration for my favorite human, The Writer.

My qualifications as a reviewer are beyond compare. I have studied people extensively for the past eight years and possess an intricate knowledge of their behaviors and mannerisms. The unique psychology possessed by you bipedal beasts is a keen interest of mine. As such, my favorite stories are those concerned with people and the human mind.

Also, I’m not as dumb as some of the humans say. Yes, I have a bad habit of eating fake flowers, vomiting, and then crying until I am consoled. But doesn’t everyone have their thing?

Some say my favor can be bought with snuggles. It is true I insist on being cuddled during my entire review, but pats and head boops will not sway my opinion.

Zelda

I like to adventure and do things and go outside and chase the ball and scratch the furniture and annoy big brother Geralt and meow and meow and meow until someone notices me and –

Sorry, let me try again. The humans are giving me weird looks.

My favorite stories are adventures where there is plenty of action and exhilaration. I’m not a fan of the slow build and want to get to the fun as soon as possible. I’m also easily startled and get freaked out by sudden surprises. It adds to the excitement!

My favorite human is the Cat Daddy. He raised me and loved me long before The Writer showed up, so I tell him my reviews and he passes them on. If it sounds like I just keep rambling and rambling and rambling, I swear it’s not my fault!

Blame the game of telephone between the humans.

Now, do you have my ball? Wanna play? WANNA PLAY?!

Flint

I have seen things.

Horrible things.

The twisting, eldritch, squamous things which live beyond the stars and play with our galaxy like a pigeon plays with a chess set: Poorly.

Some days my nip is the only thing keeping me from going insane.

My favorite human, the Good Doctor, says I’m a brat, but she’s a liar. I’m just accustomed to being the only cat and everyone else needs to get out of my way. Yes, my nose belongs in the human’s glass of soda. Yes, my butt belongs in the human’s face. Yes, all of the knitting is mine.

I like to review stories of the ancient creatures of the universe while my human serves me kibble, freshens my water, and calls me a good boy. It helps me avoid thinking about the unfathomable end of our world and the futility of existence.

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Geralt - Humans Are Monsters Uncategorized

Misery

“I’m your number one fan.”

My mom says this book terrifies her, but I don’t quite understand. I’m her number one fan, and I’m sure she would love it if I took care of her and gave her a lovely room and hobbled her legs so she could never leave me.

Maybe the difference is I’m a cat and not a psychotic nurse.

Hello, everyone! This is Geralt back at work again reviewing the books The Writer makes me read. Apparently this month is supposed to be super scary for humans. I don’t want my mom to be scared, so I make sure I fall asleep on her face so she can’t read the scary words in the stories.

I’m her number one fan…

She just doesn’t appreciate everything I do for her, just like Paul isn’t grateful enough for all Annie Wilkes is willing to do for him.

…

…

The Writer is giving me a weird look.

Anyways, I’m going to review Stephen King’s Misery, a 1987 horror and psychological thriller that continues to terrify audiences. It was one of King’s only books to not incorporate fantastical elements (such as pyrokinesis or telepathy), and also became one of his only great film adaptations.

So, what do I think of it?

Quite a lot.

The Plot

The plot is an excellent example of a contained story with few locations. In Misery, the protagonist is Paul Sheldon, an author who has been restricted by his own popularity. He feels smothered by a character he created, Misery Chastain, and is unable to branch out to other endeavors because his cheesy, trashy romances pay the bills.

Sheldon is an alcoholic and decides, during one of his binges, to try and drive to Los Angeles instead of return to New York. He crashes while trapped in a snowstorm in Colorado, and wakes up injured in the home of former nurse Annie Wilkes.

The story rapidly goes downhill from there. Wilkes is unstable, fanatically obsessed with Misery and Sheldon, and drugging the writer to keep him compliant and addicted so he doesn’t leave. When she discovers her favorite character has been killed off in the final novel of the Misery Chastain series, she flies into a psychotic rage and abandons Sheldon for two days without food, water, or his painkillers.

To make matters worse, many of the keys stop working on the typewriter. The horror!

What happens next is a modern Scheherazade tale full of nightmare fuel. Sheldon must write a new book that brings Misery back to life while being tormented by Wilkes’ whims. He cannot escape, and any resistance is met with harsh punishments, including a truly gruesome hobbling and the loss of his thumb to an electric knife.

The only way Sheldon can win is by outsmarting Wilkes and using her own obsession against her – but not without losing pieces of himself physically and metaphorically.

Also, there were no cats in this book. Shame. There is a pig named Misery though, so that’s something.

The Review

The Writer considers this to be one of the scariest stories she ever read, and it’s easy to see why. Annie Wilkes is a classic example of a character who is deeply disturbed. From her first appearance, it is clear there is something just off about her. Once she doesn’t get her way, her rage and psychotic episodes become obvious.

However, while Wilkes might be the greatest villain King ever wrote, Misery really stands out for its metaphors and writing style. Paul Sheldon is addicted – to painkillers, to alcohol, and to writing. He must battle his addiction to make it out alive, and many of the events and passages in the book were taken from King’s own experiences trying to get clean.

The writing is linear but includes many passages from Sheldon’s own novels, as well as his numerous asides and memories. What the reader knows of Wilkes and the world outside is limited to only what Sheldon knows, meaning we have the same anxiety and fear as the poor trapped man.

While some parts of the book can drag and Annie seems to be a cornucopia of mental illness with no real diagnosis, this is one horror volume that will leave readers at the edges of their seats.

The only downside is you might need a trash can nearby when you read the hobbling scene. If you can make it without vomiting, you can survive the rest of the book.

Plus, the movie is stellar.

I never knew Kathy Bates would haunt my nightmares for years.

Overall, I give misery 5/5 Paws.

While there are no cats, there are plenty of feline frights to be had. Just don’t read this book if you are an amateur writer. You will be afraid to ever publish anything again.

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Zelda - Action and Monsters

Jurassic Park (Book)

You know, at times like this one I feel, well, perhaps extinct animals should be left extinct.

Hi!

Hello?

Can you hear me?

This is Zelda speaking. I’m back! The Writer said I get to review the book with all of the dinosaurs. Although it was written as a thriller by the late and great Michael Crichton, it has some truly terrifying and downright horrific moments guaranteed to scare the fur off of any feline.

I’m just looking at my poster of Rexy on the wall…

Personally, I like the raptors. They’re a lot like cats but with larger claws and a pack mentality. My parents even call me their little velociraptor because of my hunting instincts and loud yowling!

So, here’s some background on the book. Jurassic Park was published in 1990 and emerged as a cautionary tale about the dangers of genetic engineering at a time when such fields were rapidly gaining ground – Does anyone remember the controversy over Dolly the sheep in 1996?

Crichton was a hard science fiction writer and wrote many novels decrying the use of science for profit, and especially for entertainment. The danger present in Jurassic Park comes from science being exploited and not well-understood, and the villains are ruthless capitalists interested in cutting corners and profiting as much as possible.

As a cat, I don’t always understand these subjects, but The Writer says they are scary. I like the dinosaurs. A lot of people get eaten alive!

So let’s check out what happens!

I bet I could take it…

The Plot

The actual book plot of Jurassic Park is different from the movie everyone knows and loves. Everything begins in 1989, when strange animal attacks occur in Costa Rica. Scientists are unable to identify the remains of a captured specimen and call in paleontologist Alan Grant and his grad student Ellie Sattler to figure it out. However, they are intercepted by Hammond, who asks them to come see his ‘biological preserve’ off the coast.

As it turns out, the biological preserve is Jurassic Park. Hammond has paid the finest scientists in the world to recreate genetic codes by pulling dinosaur blood from fossilized mosquitos and fill in the gaps with reptilian, avian, and amphibian DNA. He plans to create a theme park of dinosaurs, heavily funded by the Japanese, to become even wealthier.

However, Hammond has definitely spared some expenses. He is relying on a single man to run the technology of the park, and Dennis Nedry is easily enticed by an offer for millions from a rival company. During a tour of the park, which is supposed to placate Hammond’s investors, Nedry turns off the power and fences and tries to steal the dinosaur DNA.

What happens next is hundreds of pages of absolute horror as the dinosaurs break loose. People are ripped in half, eaten alive, blinded only to have their organs ripped out, and trapped in buildings being torn apart by hungry monstrosities. To make matters worse, the dinosaurs are breeding and escaping to the mainland, where they terrorize Costa Rica. The only way the world will be safe is if Jurassic Park’s survivors can destroy the raptor nests, recall a boat full of dinosaurs, and call in international assistance.

The Review

As a book, Jurassic Park took the world by storm long before it became a movie. There are many reasons why. Aside from bringing every child’s favorite creatures back to life, it is a creative example of hard science fiction filled with haunting themes – including the use of science driven by greed and capitalism.

Crichton made sure to do his research, and there is a wealth of sources and a massive bibliography at the end of the book to back up much of the genetics discussed in the story. While some elements are impossible – such as blood surviving preserved in a mosquito’s digestive system in amber – the possibility of bringing an extinct creature back to life is very real.

Maybe this is where dinosaurs and saber-tooth tigers belong…

Aside from the science, most of the characters are great. Grant is curious, intelligent, and resourceful. Sattler is daring, also intelligent, and proves a paleobotanist can be a badass. Hammond is everyone’s favorite sleazy corporate executive, and Muldoon is exactly who we would want on our side when a monster breaks loose – He had an RPG for crying out loud!

There are definitely some clunky moments. Malcolm, for example, is extremely annoying and lacks the charm of Jeff Goldblum. The plot extends longer than it should. Sometimes the dinosaurs behave more like monsters than animals.

Still, this is an amazing story with dark themes and plenty of scary moments to keep you humans awake at night. Even I got a little scared thinking about the idea of someone bringing back my ancestors…can you imagine a saber-toothed tiger running around?

I’m biased. In terms of story, themes, and execution, I give the story 5/5 Paws. Jurassic Park revolutionized many elements of science fiction and spawned a successful franchise in addition to rekindling the love of dinosaurs. While some of the characters are annoying and passages can be clunky, these flaws do not detract from the overall presentation and message.

Plus, dinosaurs.

Come on, there’s two T-rexes!

And firebombing!

From a non-existent Costa Rican air force….

But still!

Can I have my treat now?

Hello?

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Uncategorized

Dagon (2001)

No one leave Imboca. People come, but no one leave.

Why do you people always make me do the water ones? Just because H.P. Lovecraft had a phobia of fish doesn’t mean every Lovecraftian story has to take place in or near the sea. Well, except this one since it’s, you know, Dagon.

This is Flint, back again to enjoy the madness. The Good Doctor even gave me a new hat to celebrate Spooktober.

I’m spooktacular. Worship me.

Dagon is a 2001 Spanish film originally released in Spain and available in three languages: Spanish, Galician, and English. As the name suggests, it draws heavily from cosmic horror and the stories of its creator, Mr. Lovecraft.

However, despite the film’s title, it’s important to note the movie has little to do with the actual story “Dagon” and is more similar to “The Shadow over Innsmouth.” The plot is adapted to fit in the Spanish countryside, and the name of the town is Imboca, a literal translation of the English Innsmouth.

Dagon is considered one of the best film adaptions of an H.P. Lovecraft story, and it is easy to see why. Despite being traumatized by some scenes, I thoroughly enjoyed it.

So just what is the creepy town of Imboca? Who are our characters? And do we get to see any monstrosities along the way?

Read on to find out.

The Plot

The plot can be hard to follow when first watching the film as there are several dreams, flashbacks, and characters that viewers need to become accustomed to. However, the basic premise is simple. Paul Marsh is a successful businessman vacationing off the coast of Spain with his girlfriend, Barbara, and their two friends Howard and Vicki.

A sudden storm crashes the ship and forces Paul and Barbara into a lifeboat, where they reach the town of Imboca. There, they find the town remarkably deserted and are only able to locate a priest, who finds two fishermen to take Paul back to the ship to rescue the trapped Howard and Vicki. The pair are, surprisingly, missing, and so is Barbara when Paul returns.

While waiting in a dilapidated and disgusting hotel, Paul dreams of a sharp-toothed mermaid. When he wakes, he must flee because the building is surrounded by half-human, half-fish hybrids eager for his blood. He encounters a tannery full of human skins and then takes shelter with Ezequiel, a drunkard and the last full human in town.

Things only get worse from there. Ezequiel reveals the inhabitants of Imboca traded their humanity to Dagon in exchange for prosperity and have become his cult. Men are killed for blood sacrifices, and the women are raped by Dagon and forced to birth icthyic offspring. These were the fates of Howard and Vicki, the latter of which commits suicide.

Trust me, it is not a roaring good time…

Over the last hour of the film, Paul learns he is one of the descendants of Dagon – his mother having been brutally raped but escaping – and has been betrothed to his mermaid half-sister, Uxia. Uxia informs him they must marry and Barbara must bear Dagon’s offspring.

Ultimately, things do not end well for anybody, despite Paul setting many people on fire. Barbara dies, Ezequiel is skinned alive, and Paul lives forever underwater with his sister and an eldritch abomination.

The Review

Listen. I love tuna, but Dagon has made me reconsider my preferences. This film is not for the squeamish because there are tons of graphic violence, unnerving material, and Nihilistic themes. However, it touches upon some crucial Lovecraftian literary ideas which are often lacking in other movies and even many written adaptations of the mythos.

Incest. Degeneracy. Horrifying things human and feline were not meant to know.

Luckily, it left out a lot of the nastier subjects, including the virulent racism, prejudice, and sexism.

This is the first movie we the felines have reviewed, but it is a cult classic and a favorite for the Writer this time of year. The actors know they are in a cheesy, ooey gooey film and deliver their lines with a combination of sincerity and good humor. The set is glorious in how it depicts disrepair and decrepitude, and many scenes are difficult to watch because of how horrifying they are.

Paul, the protagonist, is a bit of a milquetoast and a lukewarm protagonist, but does anyone actually watch a horror movie for someone besides the villain? He also redeems himself in the end by setting himself and many others on fire with kerosene. Sadly, it does not last.

I have also never had as much sympathy for a human as I did for Vicki and Barbara. What horrible fates. Hentai may be popular, but does anyone actually want to be violated by a terrifying eldritch tentacle monster?

I DON’T.

I give Dagon 4/5 Paws. I want to give it 5, but certain parts of the movie drag on and some of the dialogue is difficult to hear. However, and I do not say this lightly, I would gladly watch it again and again.

Now would somebody please get me a towel? And some nip? I need to forget what I’ve seen. Wait, what do you mean I need another bath? No. No!

Please help me….
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Spooktober!

We the cats have decreed the Writer needs to start submitting reviews again now that the dangerous “cor-en-tine” thing has been lifted. When would be a better time to write about spooky, scary stories than during the month of October?

Starting on the 15th, we’re going to be posting one review a day to count down to our favorite holiday. Why is it our favorite? Because we get more treats!

If you have a book, story, or even a movie you want to see reviewed, feel free to comment below. Otherwise, you will have to read based on our whims!

We’re excited to be back and writing. Here is Flint practicing his best “scared” face.

(The Writer says we have to tell you Flint is not being harmed in this photo. He just doesn’t like baths)

Categories
Zelda - Action and Monsters

Sour Candy

“His Facebook and Twitter pages now featured pictures of Phil grinning like an idiot in places he’d never been with his arm around a boy he hadn’t known before today.”

Hi, everyone! Zelda here! The Writer finally said it’s my turn to do a review so I stop terrifying everyone with my quarantine hyper-ness!

I’m going to start this review with a very simple statement: I hate the narrator. I’m not a fan of kids either – they’re terrifying – but the author does everything possible to make the narrator inherently unlikable from the start.

But what is this story anyway?

Sour Candy is a self-published novella written by Irish dark fiction and horror author Kealan Patrick Burke. It debuted in 2007 and centers around a man named Phil Pendleton, who suddenly finds his life turned upside down when a child appears on his doorstep and claims to be his son. Everyone around him agrees the boy is his, and all of the pictures in his home and social media have changed to happy images of the two together.

But who is this boy? And why is this book in the monster section of the reviews?

The Plot

The firmly against children Phil has been spending quality time with his girlfriend, Lori, one weekday. He is sent to the store to pick up chocolate and has his selection process disturbed by a child screaming. The kid in question is the eponymous boy, who is dragging around a woman who looks half dead.

When a police officer arrives to remove the disruption from the store, the mother grabs two handfuls of sour candy and jams them in her mouth, choking. The boy is off to the side and offers Phil a piece of candy, which he foolishly accepts.

Listen, “don’t take candy from strangers” applies to adults to.

Not even if the candy looks delicious…

When Phil leaves the store, he is in a fender bender with the woman in her faded Toyota. She stumbles out of the car and kills herself in front of him.

Things go downhill for Phil afterwards. He discovers the boy at his house and is thrust into a nightmarish Twilight Zone with everyone claiming the child is his. The photos have changed to match. There is a birth certificate and a supposed birth mother. Even the boy insists he is just a boy and that Phil is his father.

Phil slowly deteriorates. He starts to lose his hair and teeth. His life fades away. He struggles to piece together what is happening around him.

Then the monsters appear!

The boy is working for strange, horned abominations called The Elders, and the sour candy he was handing out was not food, but a seed. A seed from which more monsters could grow.

Phil kills the boy in an attempt to stop his fate, but it is too late. He is trapped by The Elders and burns alive in his home, forced to birth whatever monstrous being has been growing inside him and stealing his life force.

The story ends with the detective who had been investigating the original mother’s suicide discovering that a child was left in the backseat of his car. And everyone claims it is his.

The Review

I like treats, and this has taught me not to take treats from strangers unless I want to become the host for a strange eldritch demon.

I got to be honest: I liked this story, but I hated Phil from the beginning. I felt sympathetic towards him and his situation, but he was an unpleasant character from the first chapter and lacked some significant character development later on. He decided he did not want children long ago, and suffered a messy divorce when his wife changed her mind about having children.

He sounds like the embodiment of a certain subreddit dedicated entirely to hating on children and the people who choose to have them.

Even the novella itself seems like an advertisement for the use of birth control – who wants a loud, obnoxious, evil child in their life?

Despite disliking Phil’s overall tone, disdain of kids, and intense focus on whether or not women are attractive, I loved the premise of the story.

Who would have guessed sour candy is so sinister?

Even a single worm can doom you forever…

I give Sour Candy 3/5 Paws. It earns four paws for the premise, but loses one for the execution.

Listen. I don’t even like kids and I could not get over how obnoxious Phil was. The Writer also didn’t like him, and she doesn’t even want kids!

But to be fair, she says she’s used to something needy always demanding attention and treats and…wait. She’s looking at me with that weird look when she says that.

I’m not annoying. I’m delightful!

Now where’s my reward for doing this review?

Hello?

Categories
Flint - Cosmic and Eldritch Horror

The Ocean and All Its Devices

“We came here every year to renew the bargain. Oh, it’s not a good bargain.”

I did some field research…the sink was field enough. I dread to imagine the cold, wet onslaught of the ocean.

Listen. We all know damn well that it is a rare feline indeed who enjoys going swimming.

I’m not saying I disliked doing this review, but I should have avoided doing some field research.

Today’s horror story is called The Ocean and All Its Devices, and it is the premier short story in an anthology of the same name by William Browning Spencer. Published in 2006, this anthology takes on a distinctly Lovecraftian theme, my personal favorite. There are ancient beings which mere mortals cannot comprehend – human ones anyways; a distinct saltwater setting; and themes of madness and isolation.

But The Ocean and All Its Devices is also unique and award-winning for many reasons. I just wish The Writer hadn’t asked the Good Doctor to get me in the “mood” for reviewing something watery.

The Plot

This story is told from the perspective of one George Hume, a man who runs a seaside hotel with his wife. Every year for an unspecified period of time, the same somber family, the Franklins, make a reservation for the off-season.

Every time the Franklins appear, they are dressed like they are going to a funeral. They spend their days wandering their desolate beach in formal dress – a mother, father, and daughter trio.

This year, the Humes hear devastating news: Mr. Franklin has drowned. Mrs. Franklin is in shock and spends her time at a mental hospital for treatment, while the daughter is left in the care of the Humes, their college-aged daughter, and her boyfriend.

The girl, who is roughly 12, wears full formal dress at all times and has strange habits. She insists her father is not dead, and that those around her don’t understand the “real” things about the world. Plus, water seems to be attracted to her.

Over the next few days, disaster strikes again and again. The college boyfriend is decapitated by a wave trying to stop the girl from drowning, and the Humes are on the verge of madness trying to figure out where all of the seaweed and strange behavior in the hotel is coming from.

In the end, it turns out the daughter has been dead all along. She drowned when she was 3 and her parents made a deal with strange machines/gods underneath the ocean to bring her back.

Unfortunately, she is not the same, for she no longer only belonged to the human world.

At the end, she returns to the deep, her body exposed to be distinctly fish-like indeed.

That is one bowl of tuna I would not touch with a 10 ft. pole.

There’s something fishy going on here…

The Review

If there is one thing The Ocean and All Its Devices impressed upon me, it is the importance of mystery. Mystery can generate intrigue, interest, suspicion, and ultimately horror.

For George, there are many layers of mystery which need to be unraveled. Why do the Franklins consistently visit during the off-season, despite having first vacationed in the summer almost a decade ago? Why is his daughter so fiercely protective of the Franklin girl? Just what is wrong with the Franklin girl?

With several pages of build-up, the entire story reaches a satisfying conclusion in the span of a page and a half without revealing everything. Instead, it gives enough to wrap up the writing without finishing it with a gaudy bow.

William Browning Spencer earned his reputation as a powerful and influential writer, and The Ocean and All of Its Devices is a great example of my favorite style of writing – the Climate Change Iceberg.

I’m coining terms now.

In the original iceberg theory, roughly 10% of the story is revealed, with the reader left to draw many of their own conclusions. In a more modern take on the iceberg theory, around 40%-50% is given to the reader. It’s enough to generate a satisfying conclusion without leaving casual indulgers confused.

The writing itself is additionally tight. Because The Ocean and All Its Devices is a longer short story, there is room to develop the characters, especially George Hume. He is caring but disinterested. Disturbed by his surroundings, but wanting it all to go away. A loving father and husband, but also old-fashioned and the provider of strange commentary on the female characters.

I.E. “The girl walked and gestured with a liquid motion that was oddly sophisticated, suggesting the calculated body language of an older and sexually self-assured woman.”

  • This comment was about a 12 year old whose father just died and who is visiting a child psychiatrist.

But such comments reveal a lot about the narrator himself and how he views the world.

Overall, this story gave me much to consider and was entertaining and horrific in a skin-crawling, “the universe is out to get us” kind of way – my personal favorite. It earns 5/5 Paws.

Has it left me considering things which are best not considered? Shall I be scared I have seen things which should not be seen?

Of course.

But, I always am.

Imagine – this could be your daughter!
Categories
Geralt - Humans Are Monsters

The Black Cat

“For the most wild, yet most homely narrative which I am about to pen, I neither expect nor solicit belief.”

Humans are bastards. This is a well-known fact. Not everyone, obviously. I do still love the Writer more than any other human in the world. But the average person, especially one facing a crippling addiction, can be cruel.

“Pluto — this was the cat’s name — was my favorite pet and playmate.”

The Black Cat is one of the most famous short stories by Edgar Allan Poe, first appearing in 1843. Like many horror stories, it begins with the eponymous narrator revealing his story to an ambiguous audience after the unsettling events have occurred.

In this case, the narrator is days away from hanging for the brutal murder of his wife. But it’s okay, he didn’t mean to kill the woman – he was aiming for the cat.

Seriously.

Why do horror stories always have to take out the violence on us? Are we not good enough? Do we not offer tempered disdain and the occasional nose boop?

But I’m beside myself. To the plot!

The Plot

The story is simple. The narrator was married and possessed a beloved black cat named Pluto, whom he loved dearly. Unfortunately, he started drinking and became consumed by the alcohol.

As one often does, the narrator became irritable and violent, attacking his wife and cat. One night, while drunk, he thinks Pluto is avoiding him. Pluto runs when the narrator tries to grab him. Enraged, the narrator picks Pluto up and stabs out his eye with a pen knife.

Bastard.

Although at first filled with remorse, the narrator soon despises Pluto for avoiding him. One day, he catches the cat and hangs it from a tree, killing it. That night, the house catches fire and the narrator, his wife, and all of his servants must flee.

Why did he even have a noose on hand?

Things go downhill from here. The narrator returns to his burned home only to find an imprint of a cat hanging from a noose left in the ashes. He runs away once more and lives in his new home, his guilt growing. One day, at the bar, he finds a cat that looks just like Pluto, even missing an eye. The only difference is the white patch on its chest.

Since this is a Poe story, you can watch as the man descends into madness, overwhelmed by his own guilt. Over time, he becomes convinced the cat is haunting him and begins to see the white patch on the new cat’s chest as a set of gallows. Eventually, he tries to kill the cat with an ax, only to be stopped by his wife, whom he murders in a fit of rage.

He walls up his wife in the basement and accidentally also traps the cat inside. The feline’s yowling leads to his crime being discovered, and the man being tried for murder.

The Review

This story is classic Poe, and is another which once again features a cat as the manifestation of a human’s guilt. It is shocking, lurid, and gory. Although it tries to be psychological, it’s hard to feel any compassion for the narrator. He beats his wife, tortures his cat, and eventually murders in cold blood.

It’s hard to admit, but I don’t consider this a good story. All it does is show humans can be bastards and addiction is a beast. While there was space to explore some interesting themes, it was left unexplored.

Though, to be fair, part of my dislike of the story could be that it’s written in the traditional style of the early 19th century, which is very dry and purple for modern audiences. Plus, I’m a cat. I don’t want to read about some poor cat being stabbed and strung up to die in the garden.

But I suppose that’s what makes it horrific.

I’m going to give The Black Cat 3/5 Paws. It’s scary for me because I don’t want to think about my human getting drunk and hurting me, but humans might find it more gratuitously violent than anything else. And this is after the Hitman cat story!

Also, if you want to read it, you can find it here!

Remember we are watching….
Categories
Geralt - Humans Are Monsters

Christine

“His single-minded purpose. His unending fury.”

Christine by Stephen King is one of the most quintessential horror novels, and one of the first the Writer ever read. I, personally, don’t understand the appeal of cars. Every time I am in one, I end up at the vet.

I am better than any car.

But when she saw that copy at the discount bookstore, she just had to get it. Kind of like how some poor teen named Arnie just had to have a 1958 Plymouth Fury named Christine.

“Come on, big guy. Let’s go for a ride. Let’s cruise.”

Originally published in 1983, Christine examines just how deep a boy’s love for his first car truly is, and how deep an old man’s hate can be.

We the cats had to have a conference to determine just what genre the book could be considered. On the one paw, there is the supernatural element of Christine herself, a car capable of infiltrating a boy’s brain and taking over his life.

On the other paw, there is a distinct eldritch note to the book. The car is a living, breathing entity capable of warping reality. When some bullies break the lights and front bumper, all Christine needs is a little blood and time to right herself.

On another paw, there is a disturbingly human antagonist in the form of the late Roland LeBay. Although he dies early in the book, he sold the car to Arnie and his soul is potentially responsible for everything that happens.

In the end, LeBay won out. He may be a ghost, but it is his uniquely human characteristics of violent rage and obsession which color the book.

The Plot

This story is narrated by Dennis Guilder, the best friend of one Arnie Cunningham. During the summer of 1978, the pair drive through a neighborhood and see Christine out in the yard. Immediately, Arnie’s obsession begins and he purchases the car from the elderly LeBay.

Arnie slowly restores the car at a shady garage in town, but people begin to notice the haphazard way in which the repairs occur. Sometimes half the bumper is complete. Sometimes the windshield is done. No one ever sees Arnie working, and he has started to behave differently.

He is more confident, but more aggressive. And he loves that car. Almost as much as I love my mom….

Soon, people who have wronged Arnie start dying in vehicular deaths, but there is no evidence on Christine to tie Arnie to the murders. Plus, Arnie has airtight alibis.

Soon, Dennis comes to realize his friend is no longer his friend: He is LeBay.

The Review

It might surprise some readers, but Christine was not the first story about an animate vehicle. It is, however, one of the most well-written.

This story features a lot of the signature King flair, including small town distress, emotional abuse, a dangerous obsession, and plenty of references to pop culture and music.

The plot unfolds slowly enough that the reader is allowed to piece together the ultimate twist much faster than Dennis, but this adds to the suspense.

Honestly, this is a biased review. This was one of the first horror books the Writer ever read – having borrowed her dad’s copy and read it so much she destroyed the cover and first pages of the old paperback.

It truly is an interesting examination of a poor teen’s descent into madness as his soul is slowly possessed by a bitter old man full of rage and hate. At the end, you’re left pitying Arnie more than anything, and there is a strange sense of loss once Christine is destroyed.

Like any good horror story, Christine makes you empathize with the characters, and it touches on some significant teenage themes:

  • Trying to break loose of a mold set by your parents
  • Becoming intoxicated by a new sense of freedom
  • Learning that friendships don’t stay the same after high school
  • Struggling with the reality of drifting apart

Overall, this story deserves its 5/5 Paws. And I’m not just saying that because the writer threatened to withhold my tuna if I disagreed.

Is the car gone?
Categories
Geralt - Humans Are Monsters

Out Behind the Barn

“Don’t you feel a buzz in ya?”

You humans are strange creatures. When you can’t get something you want the right way, you have to try the wrong way.

Do you suppose hammers hurt?

In Out Behind the Barn by John Boden and Chad Lutzke, I had a chance to see just how far someone is willing to go to fill the empty void in their heart. Unfortunately, their method involved leaving voids where others’ hearts should be.

Do you love your mother? I do.

Out Behind the Barn inspires many feelings in its readers. For me, I was filled with a profound melancholy, thinking about the woman who wanted a family, with two little boys who would love her forever. I love my mother. I could never leave her.

But these boys left their mother.

Each one found themselves leaving both of their mothers.

They lost the first when Miss Maggie kidnapped and killed them so she could resurrect them as her children. They lost the second when they found their hearts and killed themselves so they could be at peace. So they could stop the buzzing in their bodies.

Out Behind the Barn is a short, simple novella with a mystery which slowly unravels as you realize the mother, Miss Maggie, is not all she seems to be. She cooks wonderful food, but the boys cannot taste it. She educates them in literature, but has books they are forbidden to read. She tries to bring them a father, but she murders to do so.

Norman Bates would be proud of her methods, or perhaps Herbert West.

She’s still not as cute as me….

For the feline fans, there is a cat in this book. An adorable kitten, in fact. And since this is a book of horror and emotional loss, the kitten is murdered by a person who came back wrong.

So, some points are added for the cat, and some might be subtracted if the Writer steps away from the scoreboard for a moment…just need to learn how to write with the pen…

There. Done. She’ll never know.

Conclusion

When it comes to novellas, Out Behind the Barn is a prime example of the medium. It utilizes writing tropes and techniques well to create an engaging, emotionally effective story. While I saw the twist coming from a mile away, it was still beautifully done.

Plus, there’s a cat! And references to Lovecraft! And Bradbury!

It’s an engaging read for a cozy afternoon if you would like to be emotionally devastated rather than horrified.

Overall, Out Behind the Barn earns 4/5 Paws.

Categories
Flint - Cosmic and Eldritch Horror

The Twisted Ones

“And I twisted myself around like the twisted ones…”

So majestic, yet so evil.

There is something to be said for stories which have relatable narrators. In The Twisted Ones, I was treated to the inner musings of an editor named Melissa, nicknamed Mouse. Besides needing to resist the temptation to make puns about the cat and mouse action going on in the story (because, haha, I’m a cat), I was able to identify with Mouse.

For you see, I too happen to love a dumb dog and have a habit of slipping on the linoleum.

But we’ll get there.

The Twisted Ones is T. Kingfisher’s take on The White People (not actually a race-related title) by Arthur Machen. For those of you who haven’t reach Machen’s short story, it features a group of youths talking with a hermit named Ambrose about The Green Book, the journal of a young woman who became involved in the ways of the Fair Folk.

One of the ways in which The Twisted Ones stands out is how it manages to pay homage to another tale without drowning in the source material. There are tons of clever nods to the original short story, but they do not overpower the new tale.

So what is this new story?

In short, Mouse is recruited by her elderly father to clean out her even more ancient and recently deceased grandmother’s house. The grandma was the human equivalent of a neutering, and did lovely things like call people up to tell them they deserved to have their dog die, gaslight her elderly husband by hiding his beloved possessions, and keep the same husband from sleeping to the point where he was forced to nap in the woods.

Even the villains preferred to sleep in the woods to get away from Mouse’s grandmother….

She was also a horrific hoarder and so unpleasant that even the supernatural ‘villains’ of the story refused to come near her.

And that is where the plot kicks off. You see, Mouse’s grandmother was married to her step-grandfather, an elderly individual who just happened to have some of the blood of the eponymous White People in his family background. When Mouse arrives, she soon discovers all of the creepy going-ons around the house are caused by a secret town of hundreds of effigies created by the White People to serve them.

Only there are no more White People, and they are desperate for new masters.

I have seen more than my fair share of eldritch, cosmic, and downright alien horror, and there are some distinct Lovecraftian tropes at play. There should be, seeing as how Lovecraft himself described the original story, The White People, as being one of the greatest literary works of horror of all time.

To count off a couple of Lovecraftian staples:

  • There are Eldritch Abominations
  • Half-Human Hybrids
  • Madness Mantras
  • The Fair Folk
  • And definitely a Fate Worse Than Death

Like, seriously.

The poor Writer would like to know why so many horror stories involve forced impregnation by monsters?

There’s also an evil deer…thing…and a room full of creepy dolls.

A doll whose eyes I would scratch out if I could…

Now, anyone with common sense would have fled once weird things started to happen, but the standard evil-detecting dog is an absolute moron, but lovably so.

Bongo, named after the antelope and not the drum, sometimes knows what is going on but usually doesn’t. This allows Mouse to struggle on her own using the journal her step-grandfather left behind to figure out what is going on.

Conclusion

Overall, a thoroughly enjoyable take on an older tale and many quasi-mythological European themes. I would say it could have used more cats, but I prefer my solitude.

I would give this story 5/5 Paws for fun, creativity, and the ability to nest a story within even more stories.

I wasn’t left questioning the futility of my existence against the grandeur of the cosmos or abandoned to weep in the corner as I went mad from eldritch revelations.

But I did get to watch the Writer visibly cringe and recoil from learning the fate of Anna (seriously, how do you need feel bad for her?), and I now am more suspicious about the deer lurking outside.

I have seen things.

I know.

I know.

I know.