zelda – Feline Fright Fest

“His Facebook and Twitter pages now featured pictures of Phil grinning like an idiot in places he’d never been with his arm around a boy he hadn’t known before today.”

Hi, everyone! Zelda here! The Writer finally said it’s my turn to do a review so I stop terrifying everyone with my quarantine hyper-ness!

I’m going to start this review with a very simple statement: I hate the narrator. I’m not a fan of kids either – they’re terrifying – but the author does everything possible to make the narrator inherently unlikable from the start.

But what is this story anyway?

Sour Candy is a self-published novella written by Irish dark fiction and horror author Kealan Patrick Burke. It debuted in 2007 and centers around a man named Phil Pendleton, who suddenly finds his life turned upside down when a child appears on his doorstep and claims to be his son. Everyone around him agrees the boy is his, and all of the pictures in his home and social media have changed to happy images of the two together.

But who is this boy? And why is this book in the monster section of the reviews?

The Plot

The firmly against children Phil has been spending quality time with his girlfriend, Lori, one weekday. He is sent to the store to pick up chocolate and has his selection process disturbed by a child screaming. The kid in question is the eponymous boy, who is dragging around a woman who looks half dead.

When a police officer arrives to remove the disruption from the store, the mother grabs two handfuls of sour candy and jams them in her mouth, choking. The boy is off to the side and offers Phil a piece of candy, which he foolishly accepts.

Listen, “don’t take candy from strangers” applies to adults to.

When Phil leaves the store, he is in a fender bender with the woman in her faded Toyota. She stumbles out of the car and kills herself in front of him.

Things go downhill for Phil afterwards. He discovers the boy at his house and is thrust into a nightmarish Twilight Zone with everyone claiming the child is his. The photos have changed to match. There is a birth certificate and a supposed birth mother. Even the boy insists he is just a boy and that Phil is his father.

Phil slowly deteriorates. He starts to lose his hair and teeth. His life fades away. He struggles to piece together what is happening around him.

Then the monsters appear!

The boy is working for strange, horned abominations called The Elders, and the sour candy he was handing out was not food, but a seed. A seed from which more monsters could grow.

Phil kills the boy in an attempt to stop his fate, but it is too late. He is trapped by The Elders and burns alive in his home, forced to birth whatever monstrous being has been growing inside him and stealing his life force.

The story ends with the detective who had been investigating the original mother’s suicide discovering that a child was left in the backseat of his car. And everyone claims it is his.

The Review

I like treats, and this has taught me not to take treats from strangers unless I want to become the host for a strange eldritch demon.

I got to be honest: I liked this story, but I hated Phil from the beginning. I felt sympathetic towards him and his situation, but he was an unpleasant character from the first chapter and lacked some significant character development later on. He decided he did not want children long ago, and suffered a messy divorce when his wife changed her mind about having children.

He sounds like the embodiment of a certain subreddit dedicated entirely to hating on children and the people who choose to have them.

Even the novella itself seems like an advertisement for the use of birth control – who wants a loud, obnoxious, evil child in their life?

Despite disliking Phil’s overall tone, disdain of kids, and intense focus on whether or not women are attractive, I loved the premise of the story.

Who would have guessed sour candy is so sinister?

Even a single worm can doom you forever…

I give Sour Candy 3/5 Paws. It earns four paws for the premise, but loses one for the execution.

Listen. I don’t even like kids and I could not get over how obnoxious Phil was. The Writer also didn’t like him, and she doesn’t even want kids!

But to be fair, she says she’s used to something needy always demanding attention and treats and…wait. She’s looking at me with that weird look when she says that.

I’m not annoying. I’m delightful!

Now where’s my reward for doing this review?

Hello?

What happens when John Wick turns out to be a cat and encounters Hitman 47? Chances are it would turn out something like The Cat from Hell by Stephen King.

First published in Gent in 1977, The Cat from Hell is a fast-paced short story centered on Halston, a hitman for hire who has been summoned by an elderly client to murder an unusual target: A cat. Strangely, the cat is even living in the old man’s mansion, which was bought using a fortune made in pharmaceuticals.

This half-black, half-white cat settles in Halston’s lap while the old man, Drogan, launches into some good old-fashioned exposition. Everyone else in the house has died in ‘accidents’ over the last few months, each one simple and understandable.

His sister perished by tripping and falling down the stairs. His ex-lover died when the cat fell asleep on her chest and smothered her already emphysema-stricken lungs. Perhaps the worst was the death of Dick Gage, the servant. He died in a 60 mph car accident while trying to bring the feline to the vet to put it down. His burned body was pulled from the wreckage with scratches all over the face.

Halston, naturally, doesn’t believe any of the stories and agrees to take the contract. He loses numerous points in my eyes for being willing to commit such a horrible crime, but he gains a couple for having fondness for felines and their adventurous, murderous tendencies:

“God – if there was one – had made them into perfect, aloof killing machines.”

Halston’s death is naturally horrific as he becomes paralyzed in a 70 mph hour car accident and is then murdered by the cat launching itself into his mouth and ripping him open from the inside.

Do I agree with the hit cat’s actions? Yes and no.

Why is the cat killing everyone around Drogan? Because Drogan experimented and murdered over 15,000 cats trying to create a miracle drug for humans. Why must our lives be seen as lesser than that of the bipedal beasts? Why must we suffer so you can enjoy more comfort? Why are we always making sacrifices so you can…

…Sorry, Writer.

Back to the review.

This hit cat offends my senses of decency by launching itself into someone’s mouth, but it is certainly a creative kill method. Extra points for innovation.

Is the story creative?

Definitely. Do the humans think we don’t have hit cats? Of course we do! And it’s about time they get the recognition they deserve.

Is the story engaging?

More or less. The majority of the writing is magazine backstory, but things really pick up in the final few pages when Halston realizes he made a grave error. Plus, the entire story is told from Halston’s perspective, and he loves cats and treats the hit cat like a worthy enemy, even when it gains the upper hand.

Halston earns major bro points.

Could I see the ending coming?

Well, I guessed Halston was going to die, but never in such a gruesome way.

As a sensitive girl, I could never pull off such an act. But we cats need our own heroes, and who better than a vigilante hit cat willing to avenge his fallen brothers and sisters?

The Writer suspects I might be willing to smother her in her sleep if she forgets to feed me at 5 am, but I could never do that.

I just sleep on her pillow to “cuddle” her and slowly suffocate her with my tail.

Overall, I would give this King short story 4/5 Paws. It’s short and uses a ton of exposition, but it still manages to remain entertaining up until the end and finishes with a hook – the cat is headed back to the mansion to finish off his final hit.